Nightowl lunatic1/26/2024 ![]() If anyone thinks I make this shit up, or enjoy it, they’re sadly mistaken. I am so tired of falling apart at the slightest provocation. It makes everything ten times more difficult than it needs to be. The organ that runs my entire body and is the reason I exist is constantly fighting against me. Externally, there are lots of people who have it lots worse. one? Because if I’m exhausted now, I can’t imagine another ten or twenty years of this. If I follow the pattern then that means I have multiple decades left ahead of me. The adults in my family have all been decently long-lived. I don’t even feel sorry for myself at this point. I’m essentially a child in an adult’s body with adult responsibilities that are apparently too much for me to handle. I’m tired of being weird and awkward and struggling to do the most basic “adulting.” I’m tired of things making sense in my head but then being misunderstood or misconstrued or just plain missed by normal people. It’s strange and more than a little pathetic. There is no healthy reason why I should be attached to people I don’t know, who don’t know me, and who would be unable to care less even if they were aware of my existence. I shouldn’t be hanging my emotional well-being on something that has absolutely no real-life relation or application to me. The one thing that’s been keeping me distracted and entertained for all of 2020 so far is nothing but an illusion. Everyone has their own stuff to deal with they don’t need me adding my issues. I’m tired of causing people trouble and making them aware of my internal drama. How the hell am I ever supposed to sort through all the possibilities to find an answer?Įverything seems bleak right now and I don’t know what to do. ![]() There could be one cause or there could be an un-harmonic convergence of many causes. At this point I have lost the will to try to figure out why it’s like this. It is exhausting to spend all day, every day, fighting with my own brain. Will I ever feel normal? Like, ever, at any point in my life? Because this shit is exhausting. I feel like snapping but whether it’s anger or depression or anxiety, who knows? I hate feeling this way. I am barely clinging to reason right now. I came to my home office to try and “do something productive,” which apparently is code for sitting here staring at a blinking cursor.
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